It’s been ages since I’ve written anything on my blog.  Rather than say that I’m going to try and do better, I’ll simply apologize for my silence.  I do hope to come here more often to share my thoughts on music and life when the inspiration hits me.  Today is one of those days.

It is around the time of my birthday.  It’s a day that I usually keep a secret because I don’t like a lot of fuss or attention.  Truthfully, I’d be content to be left to my own devices – hidden in the basement exploring music (or video games to blow off steam).  Maybe go to the movie theater to watch a good sci-fi or action flick.  A great meal is always nice.  It’s funny – I don’t mind being spoiled but I certainly won’t ask for it.  Everyday I try to give what I’d like to receive.  I always will.  When someone is special to you, you’ll make them feel special everyday, not just 2 or 3 days out of the year.  If someone wants to do something nice for me – cool.  If not, I know the things I like and have no problem giving to myself if I’m able.  I’m rambling but I bring up my birthday because the thought of getting a year older has brought me into an interesting head space.

I get up around 5:30AM every morning to practice.  I’m not a professional musician but I love music so much and want to play it well that I’m compelled to do it.  5:30AM is the only time I can work on being a better musician without feeling guilty about not spending time with family.  It’s also the best time to have an uninterrupted and focused practice session.  If time permits, I do more after work.  I have a 9-5 that pays my bills and keeps me engaged mentally but when it comes to feeding my spirit and making me feel good, nothing comes remotely close to how I feel in the rare opportunities I’m able to make music with and for others.

Last night a good friend of mine came by and we worked on two tunes for a couple of hours.  During that span of time everything was right with the world.  I mean everything felt – right.  I wasn’t concerned about work, the responsibility of being a husband or father, the health of myself and my family or my fiances.  I was in the moment and the moment felt wonderful.  As I frequently say in my meditation class, I was in my true state.  The euphoria of that short span of time remains in my body now and that was only two hours in a total of 24.  That means something.

I’m always concerned with what people think of my love of music.  I’m 40-50ish, not a pro and yet I spend a tremendous amount of time practicing music, listening to music, studying music and anything that relates to organized sound.  Vibrational communication is what I like to call it.  I  sometimes worry that people would rather see me submerged in a book related to career advancement or something that would lead me to improved finances.  That self imposed mental roadblock will frequently lead me to not take my musical study seriously or not enjoy it as much.  It makes me second guess why I drag myself out of bed at the crack of dawn to bang out scales, chords and rhythms in an effort to create something meaningful.

Music is what I love to do.  For some people that is more than enough reason to pursue a passion but for someone like me who truthfully is a bit low on self esteem, it can be crippling.

As I add another year to my life I’ve begun to realize what is truly important and I’m starting to feel OK about being me.  I know that sounds strange but I remember feeling that way when I was younger.  I was bold and empowered by the freedom of no longer being considered a child.  At some point however, I began to operate based on what others were doing and what I thought others wanted to see in me.  Again, all self imposed but powerfully present none the less.  That type of thinking will lead you down a path that is not your own and if you’re not careful you’ll look up and find yourself on a road that is extremely foreign.

I know a few people think I’m having a mid-life crisis here.  Perhaps, but I prefer the term mid-life awakening.

In a world of constant change, my love for music is probably one of the few consistent things that have been with me my entire life.  Consistency is something you can always grab for stability when everything else is reeling (for better or for worse).  That feeling I got last night playing music confirms it and solidifies it.

No, I’m not thinking of a career change.  I’ve got a family to support and my new bass guitar addiction requires me to stay employed.  I feel blessed for the job that I have and I plan to continue to do the work that I do.  That being said, if it feels right for this long – it probably is.  Full steam ahead.